moment to moment

Finally spring has sprung! 

Flowers are blooming and I haven’t worn my big brown parka in a few weeks. Winter is over! No more snowy, slushy, freezing weather. And you know what that means??? It means that in a few months from now everyone will be complaining about how hot it is.

In winter we are dreaming of spring and summer; in the summer we are waiting for fall and the first snowfall. What exactly is our problem with loving the moment we are in?

We’re always looking for the next thing to satisfy, whether it’s nicer weather or a nicer home or a better paycheck. What a relief it would be if the most satisfying thing in every moment could be the moment itself, not dreaming of a different one.

Last January I took a J-term course at my college that took place in Costa Rica. Three blissful weeks in the most beautiful place I have ever been with some of the most amazing people that I have ever met. It is one of those places that you see pictures of and hear stories about, but still think It can’t possibly be quite as amazing as it sounds. But it is.

The first thing I noticed upon my arrival was how long it took to get through customs. The woman in front of me was gabbing away with the airport worker (meanwhile I was shifting my carry-on from shoulder to shoulder irritated). The next day it took us over 2 hours to get to the next town over because there was only one way to get there and that was up a windy, unpaved, mountain road. In Limon, my friends and I decided to stop for a fruit smoothie after an afternoon at the beach. We found a nice little place with a thatched roof, no walls, and sand floors and sat down at a table. Twenty minutes passed before our waitress appeared to give us our menus. Being the most obnoxious of the four, I was immediately frustrated with the lack of service. When our drinks arrived thirty minutes later I began the discussion on whether or not it was rude to not tip her. But Costa Ricans simply don’t see things that aren’t urgent as urgent. 

They enjoy life in a way that I have never quite been able to.

The idea is simple (so naturally we complicate it): There is nowhere that you need to be that is more important than right here, right now. 

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Psalm 118:24 "This is the day that the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it".

High heels and contentment

Almost daily I look in my closet and decide that I need more heels because if I had them I would look cute and put together all the time like Carrie from Sex and The City. But the truth of the matter is that I don’t really wear heels, I just always want to be the kind of person who does. Most days I put on my beat up beloved UGGS or my moccasins or my flip-flops and trot off to wherever it is that I am going. But how cool would I be if I wore heels to the grocery store or the movies or even out to breakfast!

People would wish that they were as stylish and daring as I was; they would look at me jealously as I would walk down the cereal aisle and pass through the deli section. So I tell myself, you NEED more heels so that you are a someone that other someone’s notice.

Last year at this time I was planning my future and making subconscious lists in my head of the things that I would need in order to be content. And every day of every year from the moment I was born, I was wishing for something that I didn’t have, hoping for something different. But here I am, at a place in my life where I have so many of those things that I wished for, so many of those things that I “needed” in order to be content. But it still doesn’t feel like enough. I am still craving more.

I know that I am not alone in this. Most people I know would say that they have lived their life the very same way; the rest of them are probably lying. So what is the key to contentment? What “gets” us there?

I am sorry to say that is the problem right there. I have never felt less content than when I am planning my path to contentment. In fact, contentment has nothing to do with planning or control or perfection. It is completely about the moment and connection to self. Contentment is never found in striving to be something you are not.

How many millions of dollars do human beings spend on searching for contentment and peace? How many drugs do we consume and sexual relationships do we jump into and how much reality TV do we watch thankful that we are not as disgusting as the people that we are watching. And if no one else will admit it I will. I admit that every single reality show I watch makes me feel like I am a complete and total angel, blessed beyond words, the farthest thing from mean and conceited and selfish.

 I read a book once about all of the beautiful little things in life. It was a book about a journey, not a destination. A story of islands of contentment and peace, not a constant euphoric feeling. It’s about a beautiful sunset, a dinner with friends, resting in the arms of someone you love. Contentment is there when you stop looking for it. It is s much there in the long hours of the job that you hate as it is there in your once In a lifetime vacation to Hawaii. It makes no difference where you are as long as you are there loving yourself, loving others, loving your creator from the deepest depths of your soul.

So what are your heels? What are those things that you feel like you need in order to belong, to be noticed, to be content and happy.  Who knows, you may find that you actually don’t really wear heels anyway.

being raw.

I like for people to see me as strong and confident, a blonde haired Eleanor Roosevelt. And while this may come as quite a shock to some of you, I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I do and on those days I feel like I could take on the world, but more frequently are the days when I get up and have no idea what to wear, and no energy to smile at the people who won’t smile back. And I have decided that it’s time we all stop pretending that we have it all together.

For so many of us, the most precious parts of ourselves are buried deep beneath a façade. Every inch of us itches to express all the things that are so carefully hidden, locked away in the depths of our souls. We find ways to release those parts; maybe when we are drunk, or through an annual emotional breakdown, or binging until the wee hours of the morning. But what would it mean for us to welcome every sad, fearful, weird part of ourselves. What if it didn’t take an overdose, or a panic attack, or a suicidal thought to start listening to our hearts. Somewhere along the line we have forgotten how to be raw. We have forgotten how to deeply connect to each other, ourselves, our God. We have created this world where it is not okay to be completely human and thus have denied the deepest parts of ourselves in order to fit into it. 

This past January, almost the entire U.S. had the flu. Some had the achy, coughy, fevery flu and others had the nasty stomach flu. In both cases I kept coming across people who claimed they had “food poisoning” or “seasonal allergies”. So that got me wondering why it is sometimes so hard for us to admit when we are sick. Not only that, but there are so many things that are so hard for us to come to terms with; For instance, getting older. We spend so much time, energy, and money on creams and dyes and laser treatments to pretend that things aren’t sagging or wrinkling or falling out. And the truth is that I also don’t want anything to sag and I don’t want to admit that I am sick or weak. I am afraid of what people will think. 

That’s the underlying fear right? What will people think of me? Will I be rejected if I am a real, vulnerable person? Is there a place for me in this world if I don’t have abs, get the stomach virus, don’t whiten my teeth, and can’t afford highlights? 

And so i leave you with this. You don't have to create your place in this world, your deepest self perfectly fills the place that you were created for. So welcome that deepest self with open arms. After all, Jesus already has.